Losing Her
by TheGecko99
Summary: Mamoru's dreams of Usagi's death drove him to leave Japan all together- for good. But when he receives an early morning call from his best friend, Mamoru is left reeling: Usagi is in a coma. What happened after Mamoru's sudden depature, six months previous? Will Usagi be the same when (or if) she wakes up?
1. The Early Morning Call

**A.N**. _This fix is set during the R season break up, however, I have made all the characters older (Usagi 18 and Mamoru 21) simply because I think it makes more sense for my story. I'm not strictly following manga or anime canon so please take that into consideration when reading ^_^ This is my first fanfic for Sailor Moon and, indeed, in general so please R&R, all criticism welcome._

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN SAILOR MOON! It belongs to Naoko Takeuchi and the respective distributors.**

**However I do own this story so please don't copy or claim, any part of my writing without permission.**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Losing Her<em>**

_~Chapter 1: The Early Morning Call~_

It was just past 2 am when the serene morning air was rent by the shrill crying of a mobile phone. Rudely awoken, the sole inhabitant of the two-bedroom, luxury apartment, drew the sheets closer and tried in vain to ignore the irritatingly cheerful ringtone. However, when it became apparent that the noise was not going away, he begrudgingly stumbled from the warmth of the double bed and out of the room. Fumbling his way through the dark -it was _much_ too early for his brain to be functioning properly enough to turn on a light- he managed to string together enough coherent thought to not only find, his phone, but also to curse profusely at the caller ID.

"Dammit Motoki! I don't know what time it is for you, but here it's past two in the morning! Couldn't you wait until later?"

"Mamoru I'm sorry, but-" but Mamoru cut him off. Irritation, fuelled by lack of sleep, made Mamoru determined to pay out on his best friend.

"Don't aplogise now! You should have thought of that before you called! I only just managed to dose off after those damn nightmares stopped."

"Look man, I sorry, but-"

"I have classes and work today you know! Not all of us can flirt all day with customers."

"Hey!" Motoki was getting frustrated.

"Now, if you'll excuse me-"

"Mamoru, _Shut up_!" Motoki yelled through the phone.

"Huh?" Mamoru was wide awake now and slightly dazed. He didn't quite understand what had just happened. Motoki never yelled, not even that one time Usagi had tipped her chocolate milkshake over the expensive new game machine at the arcade. Whatever he was calling for must be important. Now that Mamoru thought about it, Motoki never called him any more, not after he had left so abruptly. He found himself missing the counsel of his best friend and the sound of his voice reminded Mamoru painfully, of another voice that he longed to hear again. However, he quickly banished these thoughts; he had come too far to be homesick now. Motoki interrupted Mamoru's musings.

"Well, now that I have your attention, the reason I called," Motoki proceeded in a gentle tone, he knew that, while Mamoru may deny it, he still has feelings for a certain blonde. "Usagi is in trouble. She needs you."

"Why should I care?" Mamoru strained to make his tone indifferent but his stomach was doing flips.

"Because you love her and you know it. How long are you going to keep up this charade? When are you coming home?"

Mamoru sighed, "I've already told you, I'm not coming back."

"It's been six months!"

"And I'm on a one year scholarship, with a guaranteed job with one of my professors after graduation."

"I don't give a damn about your fancy Harvard education!" The arcade manger was yelling again. "There is a girl here, in Tokyo, who loves you more than life itself! To the point of not eating and sleeping to try and improve herself for you!"

"What?" He whispered. Mamoru had never imagined Usagi would change herself for him. He wasn't worthy of her in the first place! What surprised him even more was that she hadn't moved on and found someone else. It made his heart leapt at the thought that his Usako wasn't in the embrace of another man but he quickly reminded himself that the whole reason he was in America, was to save her life. "I told her to move on."

"You asshole! You broke Usagi's heart when you broke up with her, then you avoid and throw insults at her for a month, and finally you up and leave. Completely out of the blue, no warning, and don't contact any of us for six months! How could she move on?! You know she blames herself for you leaving?"

"So what?!" Mamoru found himself yelling into the receiver now too. "You don't know anything Motoki! You know nothing!" Mamoru was angry, but not with his friend. He was angry with himself because he knew what Motoki said was true; he was an asshole. He had wounded and left behind the best thing that had ever happened to him and the

thought of his Usako in pain -at his hand, no less- made him want to be violently ill.

"Well neither do you! She's in a coma, Mamoru, a bloody coma! She collapsed an hour ago on the way to the arcade after school and hit her head on the pavement!"

Mamoru almost passed out over his kitchen bench.

"Is she ok?" Mamoru asked vacantly.

"Did you even hear what I said? She's in a _coma_, Mamoru!" Motoki was still forceful but his tone was softer. "Usagi needs you, please come home. She hasn't been the same since you left."

Mamoru began to summon the strength to tell Motoki that he wasn't coming home just because some girl thought she needed him, when his friend delivered the final blow.

"We're losing her."

* * *

><p><strong>So what did you think? Thanks for reading! Please review so that I can start work on the next two chapters. <strong>

**~TheGecko99**


	2. Dreams and Decisions

**A.N.** _Thank you all so much for your reviews and favourites! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so far :) I will endeavor to update as much as possible but for now sit back and enjoy the latest installment. Oh and just so you know in my story, Motoki knows everyone's Senshi identities as well as Tuxedo Mask's (I know that's not what he's called in the Japanese version but I like this better ^_^) _

_EDIT: sorry i don't know what happened with my last update, it appears the document was cut in half for some reason :/ i have now posted the full chapter with a few edits. Enjoy!_

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN SAILOR MOON! It belongs to Naoko Takeuchi and the respective distributors.**

**However, I do own this story so please don't copy or claim, any part of my writing without my permission.**

* * *

><p><strong>Losing Her<strong>

_~Chapter 2: Dreams and Decisions~_

"What?" Mamoru was wilting inside; every wall he had built over the past six months came crashing down around him. The deafening noise only drowned by that of his thumping heart.

"Do I have to spell it out for you? She's dying, man."

"No."

"Her body is frail and weakened from severe anemia and anorexia. Not even the Silver Crystal can keep up! The fall was just the final blow."

"No! It's not true!" His voice came out strangled. Mamoru was in denial. She couldn't be dying, not like this! This was Usagi! The girl who would eat anything and everything that was put in front of her! How had her so called 'friends' let this slip past them? You left her, so what would you know? This is your fault! The little voice in the back of his head was niggling away at his composure.

"It is! We need you here! Usagi needs you here! You've got to come back!" Motoki was getting desperate, what he hadn't told Mamoru, was that Usagi was also having nightmares but hers -unlike his- were far more...real.

"I-I just don't know what I could do." Mamoru replied weakly. Usako was on the other side of the world!

"Are you stupid?"

"What?"

"You're Tuxedo Mask! A superhero! The one Usagi loves. If you won't save her no-one else can." Motoki was getting frustrated, what was it going to take to get this through his thick skull?

"How long does she have?"

"The doctors think two weeks at best. Now, get your ass back, or so help me I will come get you myself!"

"I'll be on the next flight to Tokyo." With that Mamoru hung up, not waiting for a reply. He hadn't noticed that he had unconsciously moved to the coffee machine. Sighing, he brewed a cup and drowned the pick-me-up before running to his room and throwing clothes haphazardly into a suitcase. He didn't have much time, Usako was slipping away and he would be damned if sat around and waited for death to take her on its black wings. Damn those miserable dreams! He thought. Their dreadful, nightly premonitions had plagued him for six months and now they were coming true.

* * *

><p><em>Sailor Moon screamed as she watched her friends fall around her, their heads rolling to the ground beside their limp forms. Tuxedo Mask ran to the fallen Chibiusa and cradled her in his arms, not noticing the advancing youma. Sailor Moon tried to scream but no sound would escape her lips, she tried to attack but she found not matter how far she would run, she couldn't get close. She could only watch and cry as her love's head tumbled and the youma advanced on her. She watched in terror as the monster lifted its axe and felt a searing pain in her neck before all went black.<em>

* * *

><p>In a small hospital room, lay a sleeping angel. Her golden hair splayed over the pillows and blankets in a shining halo, framing her thin heart-shaped face and frail body. Her face was the picture of innocence and supreme beauty, the serene expression she wore, masking the inner turmoil. Beside her bed was a dark and mysterious, raven-haired beauty, sitting vigil over her princess.<p>

Rei wept as a fresh laceration appeared on Usagi's body; this time, her neck.

* * *

><p><strong>So, end of chapter 2! What did you think? Please R&amp;R, I shall endeavor to have chapter 3 up ASAP!<strong>

**~TheGecko99**


	3. The End of Us, The Beginning of the End

**A.N. **_Hey readers! sorry its taken so long to get this chapter up :/ i really wanted this to be a long chapter so i put some extra time in but it still isnt what i wanted (T_T). Oh well, in this chapter we are looking into the past (hence the italics) so please enjoy! From now on chapters will be a mix of past, present and dreams so enjoy this while you can. i make poor Mamoru look so bad this chapter but i had too, sorry! As always, enjoy and please R&R!_

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN SAILOR MOON! It belongs to Naoko Takeuchi and the respective distributors.**

**However, I do own this story so please don't copy or claim, any part of my writing without my permission.**

* * *

><p><strong>Losing Her<strong>

_~Chapter 3: The End of Us, The Beginning of the End~_

_**Seven Months Previous: December 1st...**_

_"Come on Mamo-chan! Hurry up!" Usagi stopped mid run to spin on her heel and flash a blinding smile at Mamoru. But, before he could catch up, she was off again, laughing and yelling at him to hurry up. _

_"Hey!" Mamoru cracked a smile and ran after her; determined to treasure every moment he had before he had to do the unavoidable and unthinkable._

_He eventually caught up to Usagi. She had stopped to stand in the sand and stare at the moon rising over the ocean, the moonlight giving her an ethereal shine that caused Mamoru to draw breath. Was he really going to give away the angel that had fallen into his midst? Could he do it? Mamoru wrapped his arms around Usagi's small waist, holding her close and relishing the calm he felt in her presence. For awhile, he even considered not going through with this plan. _No, I have to do this. The thought of a world without her isn't one worth contemplating_. _

_Usagi leaned back into his strong chest and a little sigh of satisfaction escaped her lips. _This is perfect_, she thought. The love of her life holding and shielding her from chill night air; the crescent moon shining and warm, like a precious gem on the horizon before them, and gentle waves lapping at their feet. She wished the moment would never end. _

_The couple stood for a while, enjoying each other's embrace. Mamoru hadn't felt this calm since before the nightmares. Those miserable visions of death that haunted him every night showing him new ways that his possessed body would kill Usako, while he was helpless to do anything but watch. The thoughts of the nightmares reminded Mamoru of what he had to do._

_Usagi felt Mamoru pull away. She frowned at the sudden loss of warmth. She turned to face him and was confused at the pained expression he wore; he wouldn't meet her eyes. She reached a hand out to touch his cheek and gently lifted his head to look at her._

_"Mamo-chan?" _

_Mamoru grabbed Usagi's hand and pulled it away. It was now or never. "Don't, Usagi. It's over."_

_"What are you talking about?" Her blue eyes were glazing over and stared straight into his soul. "What's over?" _

_"We are, Usagi." She creased her brows in confusion and again lifted a hand to turn his head to look at her. If this was some kind of joke, he would pay dearly for it. But when their eyes locked Usagi was scared at what she saw- he was serious. There was no glint of mirth, just cold stone that matched the night sky above them perfectly._

_"I-I don't think I understand. Mamo-chan, what are you talking about?" Usagi was on the verge of tears._

_Mamoru pretended to sigh in frustration, his heart breaking at the look on her face but he needed her to hate him, to stay far away from him. Mamoru wouldn't be responsible for Usako dying because of his selfishness. _

_"Usagi, how thick can you be? I'm breaking up with you!"_

_"I still don't understand! You love me-" Usagi was shocked and she felt hot tears spill down her rosy cheeks._

_"That's just it, I don't. I thought I did once, but not anymore." _

_"But what about Serenity and Endymion? The Silver Millennium? We are destined for each other!"_

_"Maybe our past selves were but we are not. This a new life and I'm not going to let the past dictate my future; much less who I have to love." His heart broke a little, every time a tear fell from her eyes. He longed to dry them with his lips and tell her that he was lying, but it was too late now. _

_"What about tonight? The fair? The restaurant?" Usagi clutched her heart, choking the words out between tears. "The kiss?" She whispered. "What did that mean?" _

_"It didn't mean anything. It was just for old times sake."_

_Usagi couldn't believe what she was hearing. She didn't _want _to believe it! "Did it ever mean anything? The dates, the kisses, Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Mask...the hotel. Did any of it matter to you?"_

_"No." _Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! _His mind screamed. _

_Usagi couldn't take it. She collapsed into the gritty sand, sobbing as her world tipped and turned an ugly shade of grey. _

_"Was it something I did?" Mamoru couldn't believe she was blaming herself. "I know I'm not the perfect girlfriend. I can be a bit clingy, I eat a lot and I can be so dreadful to poor Chibiusa. My grades are failing and I'm a pathetic champion of justice. I'm such a jealous, selfish person!" Mamoru wanted to scream that she was wrong. "But i always thought that it didn't matter to you. I would have changed everything if you had said the word." _But I never wanted you to change! _Usagi chuckled sadly, "Now that I think about it, it was so obvious that you would break up with me eventually." Her sobbing, which had briefly subsided, started anew._

_"Mamo-chan?" Usagi asked quietly_

_"What?" His voice was cold._

_"Is there someone else?" Usagi looked up at him, her watery eyes pleading. Then, even quieter, she said, "Is it Rei?" Mamoru was momentarily stunned. The thought of spending life with anyone but her was wrong. _

_"Who I see is none of your concern. Goodnight Usagi." Closing his eyes to her obvious pain, Mamoru turned around and began walking away. Usagi watched him. His broad shoulders and beautiful black hair engraved into her blurred vision, as he disappeared. Usagi, felt a tangible pain in her heart. It ripped and burned, bringing more tears to her eyes. She had lost her other half- again. _

_For what felt like an eternity to Usagi, she sat on the beach, heart dead in her chest. The once warm moonlight now seemed cold and distant._

* * *

><p><strong>I hope this chapter was satisfactory ;p I tried to make it as long as could. Hopefully more coming very soon! Until then please R&amp;R! I love to hear what you think :)<strong>

**~TheGecko99 **


	4. Return

**A.N: **Here it is! Finally! Eureka! I'm not going to make excuses as to why it took so long (how many months had it been? Oops), but my muse really died for a while there. I had no idea what to do for this story, seeing as I wrote it not knowing what everyone would think. I didn't think anybody would read it actually. You're overwhelming response to this story meant I had to keep writing and for that I needed a plan...which I didn't have...until now...kind of. So to make up for the wait, I made you wait a little longer (makes sense?) for this extra long chapter. So please enjoy and don't forget to comment when you're done!

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN SAILOR MOON! It belongs to Naoko Takeuchi and the respective distributors.**

**However I do own this story so please don't copy or claim, any part of my writing without my permission.**

**Losing Her**

_~Chapter 4- Return~_

_Sailor Moon ran through the darkness. Her uniform tattered and filthy. Moon Sceptor extended, she charged forward. The youma snapped its head around, blood dribbling down its fangs. Sailor Moon let loose a feral cry and her scepter came down hard on the creature's neck, snapping it in two. As its body crumpled to the floor Sailor Moon stood panting above it, gazing at the massacred bodies of her friends rippling around her. She watched with blank eyes as they fizzled and disappeared along with the youma and the disorientating darkness closed in once again. She had learnt, what felt like so long ago, that the Legendary Silver Crystal had no power here. If she didn't fight she would find herself reborn again back where she had started- weak. The gruesome and repeated deaths of her friends had blunted her emotions and numbed her from any feeling._

_If she was going to survive she could not afford to be hesitant. There were no princes here._

* * *

><p>Three girls sat quietly in their shared apartment, silently lamenting the missing two members. Minako, Ami and Rei sat around their dining room table, not speaking but knowing exactly what the others were thinking. Finally Minako spoke.<p>

"When is his flight supposed to be in?"

Rei snorted, "That bastard probably isn't coming."

"Rei stop that! You know he is! He is the only person who can save Usa, you should be at least _try_ to be civil to him."

"Then why won't you say his name?" The question was quiet but confronting and Mina was having trouble finding an answer. Rei took advantage of her hesitation and slammed her fist on the table. The other two girls jumped.

"I can't believe this! That asshole leaves her and now he is the only one who can save her? What are we? Nothing?" Rei's breath came in unsteady gulps. "She was so sick and we couldn't do anything! Why? Why can't I help her? If _he _can why can't I?" Her voice shook and Rei struggled to hold back her frustrated tears. This was torture. Just sitting and waiting for someone else to rescue their princess. They were the Senshi for heaven's sake! Yet they couldn't do anything but wait. It pained Rei especially. Why hadn't she been able to predict this? She hadn't been there when her best friend needed her most and that in its self was the worst kind of guilt.

Ami looked up from her book. She had been trying to distract herself but Rei's outburst had perfectly summed up the feelings of all the girls.

"Look Rei, it is no-one's fault that Usagi is like this. You know she used the Luna Pen to hide her condition. It might be painful but Mamoru is the only one who can save her right now. His plane arrives in two hours so you might as well get used to the idea."

Ami was right of course. Ami was always right, but Rei couldn't bear it. She looked over at Mina. Her blank expression said more than any words could ever say. Then she glanced over at Ami. The girl had gone back to her book. Rei couldn't take it any longer. Abruptly she stood up, shaking the table and sending their untouched snacks flying. She grabbed her bag and keys and slammed the door on the way out. Neither Mina nor Ami bothered to stop her. They just silently picked up the debris in the wake of Rei's rage.

* * *

><p>Mamoru squirmed in his seat, uncomfortable and impatient. How long had it been? It felt like this flight was lasting an eternity. When was the last time he slept? Shaved? Ate? He had no idea. Reality was wasted on him because Mamoru's mind was elsewhere. Every time he closed his eyes, Usagi's flashed before him. Every time the air hostess tried to coax him to eat, he pictured Usagi being fed by tubes in hospital. When he looked over at the family sleeping together in the middle aisle, he imagined Chibiusa and Usagi wrapped in his arms. How had he managed to live with himself the past few months?<p>

Quite suddenly the walls seemed to close in around him and Mamoru had to lurch for the little paper bag of shame. He felt the businessman next to him shuffle sideways. When he had finished emptying the meagre contents of his stomach, a hostess came around to collect the bag. He apologised sheepishly to her but Koko, according to the name tag on her blouse, just grimaced and stalked off. Slumping back into his seat, Mamoru resolved to try and get some sleep, he would be landing soon anyway. Tentatively, he lowered his eyelids.

_It was dark and cold. So cold. Mamoru knew he had to be dreaming again but this wasn't his usual nightmare. Usually, he was walking down the isle beside Usagi until an earthquake shook the ground and split them apart. Usually the dream ended when he had clawed his way through rubble and upheaved earth, only to see her crushed beneath a collapsed wall of the church- nothing but the ring on her hand to identify the body._

_This time, however, he didn't seem to be anywhere in particular so he just wandered. The silence was suffocating. Mamoru found himself picking up the pace out of instinct but something seemed to be slowing him down. That was when he noticed that he wasn't Mamoru or even Tuxedo Mask. He lifted Prince Endymion's sword from its hilt and examined it. The silver filigree and worn engravings glinted in the golden light. Wait, he thought, Light? Endymion looked up and sure enough a light was shining through the intense black and moving closer. _

_Cautiously, sword extended, Endymion advanced toward the rapidly encroaching light. The closer he came the more he had to squint, Endymion could barely make out the shapes moving within the light until he was on top of them. His eyes took in the scene faster than his brain could process._

_Corpses. Youma. Sailor Moon._

_The she was. The source of the blinding light. Sailor Moon, crescent moon mark like a beacon. Or was it? This didn't look like the Sailor Moon he knew. She was facing down a youma at least twice her size, circling it like a predator stalks its prey. Her beautiful blue eyes were hard and blank and her uniform was almost beyond recognition for all the congealed blood. The youma made its move but the hunter was quicker. Sailor Moon lunged forward wielding the moon sceptre like a mace and swinging it into the back of the youma's head. It came down but she didn't stop. She landed kicks and punches until the thing's head was caved in and it's body battered and broken. With a final feral cry, Sailor Moon leapt atop her prey and severed its head with the sceptre. _

_Sailor Moon straightened, barely panting, fresh blood splattered thorough her floor length hair and new bruises and lacerations littering her skin. This was some nightmare. The Sailor Moon he knew would have used the Silver Crystal to banish this foe long before it had reached this stage. She still hadn't turned to face him and her destruction. Endymion cast his gaze to the youma. It's head lay some way from its body that was rapidly crumbling but what really took his interest were the shapes on the ground around the youma. They didn't appear to be part of the monster. _

_He walked slowly and quietly toward the first shape, trying not to get the attention of the senshi. When the silhouette came into focus, Endymion took a step back. It was Jupiter. Dead. Mangled. Disappearing? Endymion looked up from Jupiter's remains as they began to crackle and fizzle out, like an old video recording. He quickly spotted Mercury, Mars and Venus -each corpse more gruesome than the next- before they too evaporated. The youma had long since crumbled to dust but Sailor Moon stood over something that Endymion had trouble making out until he caught a tuft of pink hair and a mask. But they were gone not a moment later leaving just him and the lone senshi in the fading light of the crescent moon mark. _

_This was _definitely_ not his usual nightmare. It was much worse._

_Endymion didn't move, didn't speak. Couldn't speak. his tongue felt thick in his throat and the words seemed stuck somewhere between brain and throat, making his breathing quick. He looked up to Sailor Moon staring at him. She was crying. Those cold and bottomless eyes were crying. For him, Endymion realised, the one that just died and disappeared to goodness knows where. _

_He reached out for her and her face registered shock._

_"Mamo...chan?"_

"Excuse me."

Mamoru's eyes snapped open and he looked around dazedly.

"Excuse me sir, we've landed," The hostess's irritation was poorly masked.

"Oh, of course."

"Sorry?" Belatedly, Mamoru realised he had spoken in English. He corrected himself.

"Just give me a second," he said in Japanese. With this the hostess seemed satisfied and turned to rouse other sleeping passengers.

Mamoru pulled his travel bag from the over head compartment, disembarked and collected his luggage from the carousel, his mind still reaching out to the Sailor Moon in his... What was it? A dream? No it felt more real. A vision then?

"Oi! _Your highness_! Over here arsehole!_" _The voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Huh- Rei!" Mamoru must have been really out of it not to notice this particular priestess. "What are you doing here? I thought Motoki was picking me up?"

"Some thanks that is!"

"Rei, I told you that if you were going to come you had to be... pleasant. He's had a long flight," Mamoru's best friend came running to his defence.

"Well I changed my mind when I saw his no-good face!" Rei fumed. Motoki just sighed.

"Hi Motoki. Long time no see huh?" Mamoru offered his hand and Motoki took it.

"I'm just glad you came to your senses."

"Where is Usa?"

"She's in Juuban hospital. Visiting hours are over so you will have to stay at my place tonight." Night? Mamoru looked out the terminal window, stars winking back at him. Jet lag.

"Nah I still have my apartment."

"Well if you're sure. Come on, the car is this way," Motoki turned and Mamoru extended the handle on his suitcase. He only had enough clothes for a few weeks, he promised his professor that he wouldn't take more than a month off.

"You're actually thinking about going back? You're despicable!" Mamoru gave a start. He had forgotten Rei was with them. She was reading his thoughts. "After everything that's happened you're just going to get her hopes up and then crush her again?"

"Well-"

"You know, this is your fault? This whole thing."

"I know but-"

"Do you have any idea what she went through? What we've been through?"

"I have some idea-"

"No. No I don't think you do. Here you are, _Mr-knight-in-shining-armour_, waltzing back here and acting like nothing's happened. The others think you can save her but I think you're just full of it!" Mamoru felt like this had happened before.

"Rei-" Motoki had finally noticed that they hadn't been following and had doubled back to intervene.

"Don't stop me Motoki! You know I'm right!" She was yelling, Mamoru could see the tears welling up.

"Come on, you're making a spectacle, let's just go home. Please," he begged. Mamoru just stood to the side, silent.

"Fine," Rei gave Mamoru a scathing look then stalked away, presumably in the direction of the car. Motoki sighed.

"Sorry Mamoru."

"What for?"

"I wasn't going to bring her but she can be very convincing when she's angry," he said, shaking his head in defeat. Mamoru chuckled at this.

"Yeah."

"Look, we need to go. It's already late and you are going to need sleep if you plan on facing the rest of the group."

For the first time in a long time, Mamoru felt himself smile, "God help me."

Motoki laughed, the heavy atmosphere lifting. He gave Mamoru a slap on the back and they caught up to a an unusually frosty Rei, waiting outside the terminal. The car trip to his apartment was silent and uneventful- Mamoru was glad. Mindless chatter would only have stretched his thin nerves to breaking point.

At his apartment Mamoru had exchanged quick farewells with Motoki and a glare with Rei, declining his friend's offer to stay the night. For awhile, he had just stood staring at the door to his apartment, key in the lock, unmoving. He remembered the night he had walked out of this apartment, the same suitcase beside him now.

* * *

><p><em>Stupid dreams. Stupid, stupid, dreams. Why him? Why Usa? Mamoru was sick of them. He was sick of avoiding her, he was sick of hurting her, he was just...sick. That's why he had to do this. If he stayed any longer he would infect everyone he loved. Mamoru clicked print. <em>

_The printer to his left gurgled and spat out his plane tickets. He shut down his laptop and unplugged the printer at the wall, slipping the tickets into his passport and placing both in the backpack with the laptop. Mamoru swung the pack onto his shoulders and made one final round of the apartment, checking that everything was in order, when something caught his eye. It was a picture, one he hadn't had the heart to pack away. He wished he hadn't seen it. He really needed to go, the taxi was waiting- or at least that's the excuse he kept giving himself... One look._

_The photograph was of Usagi on the balcony of their hotel, the full moon's light paling her features and illuminating her hair- the moon goddess incarnate. Gods, she was beautiful. That had been the night they had first made love and his heart ached fiercely thinking he would never hold her like that again. Feeling her beneath him and knowing that he loved her and that he was loved in return. That night had been perfect. Usagi had laughed at him, a soft tinkling that tied his stomach in knots, when he had asked if he could take the picture._

_"Mamo-chan, you don't need a picture," she giggled," you have the real thing!"_

_Mamoru flipped the photograph over. He shouldn't have looked. Now, his small suitcase dragged behind him like a dead-weight as he locked the door to his home and his heart._

* * *

><p>Mamoru took a deep breath and twisted the key, like a knife in a wound. The door opened with a creak. He flicked on the switch, he knew was to the left of the door, and suddenly he could see. He could see the living room just the way he had left it (the cleaners he had been paying did a good job, he thought absently); he could see his books and his TV, the kitchen around the corner and... The photo. He approached. Slowly. Steadying his shaking hands and quivering lip, he picked it up and turned the frame over in his hands. And there she was. Just like the day he left. Perfect. Beautiful. His. Gone.<p>

Mamoru couldn't stop the tears that dripped down his face, blurring the picture. When had he become so weak willed? So pathetic? His mind's eye replayed that day on the beach. The moment he had given her up.

For a long time, he just knelt there, staring at the picture. Every emotion he had bottled up so painstakingly overflowed. Usa was dying. Dying. Dying. His nightmares had shown him killing Usagi and now it seemed he had fulfilled the prophecy he had so desperately tried to escape.

"This way please."

The hospital smelled of disinfectant and sickness. His trainers squeaked on the link floors as Mamoru followed the nurse from the waiting room. Hospitals didn't normally freak him out this much. Normally he loved learning how he could save people and bringing comfort to the sick but on this occasion just the glare of the artificial light off the white walls made him feel nauseous. Behind one of these many closed doors lay his Usa- just another number on a clipboard. He glanced up at the sign that read "Coma Ward" as he silently followed the nurse through yet another set of seemingly endless corridors. The Tsukino family had spared no expense, this hospital had the best coma ward in Tokyo. She was in good hands, but they weren't his. Mamoru clenched his fists a little at his side.

"Here we are sir. Miss Tsukino's room is 315. Visiting hours end at 5pm, please let us know if you require anything." The nurse smiled sympathetically in his direction before glancing at her watch and rushing away, heels clicking on the floor.

For a moment Mamoru just stared after her. He was alone. Turning to the door Mamoru read and re-read the little name plate on door 315. "Usagi Tsukino." This was it. He had flown back from America to see her but now he wasn't so sure. Would she even want him here? This was his fault after all. He left her, he really had no right to be here. What could he do anyway? He would probably just screw up again and hurt her more. Maybe it was better to leave. Mamoru turned to leave, when the door opened. For one astonishing moment he thought she was there, opening the door like nothing had happened, smile lighting up the ward better than any lightbulb ever could. _"Mamo-chan! I was just going to get a snack!" _

"Oh, it's you." The dream shattered and once again he was standing in the cold fluorescent light, the goddess of war glaring at him. "Weren't thinking of running away again were you?" Makoto's voice was neutral but her face betrayed her true feelings. Mamoru could see the distrust and anger shining in her eyes.

"Not at all," Mamoru replied flatly.

"You know, you have some balls coming back here after what you did."

"I know."

"The others think you can help. Wanna know what I think?"

"What?"

"I think you're just like the ones we are supposed to be defeating- cold and soulless."

"Probably." Mamoru closed his eyes. Let her vent, he was numb to this now.

"You don't have the right to see her! You don't even have the right to call her name with your filthy, lying tongue!"

"Yeah, I'll leave," Mamoru turned to leave again but Makoto caught his arm and slammed him up against the wall with her considerable strength. Mamoru was shocked to see her on the verge of tears.

"Listen here bastard! What's with that piss-weak response! You were supposed to march in here to save her, Lord knows we can't! Instead you're wallowing in self pity! The asshole who did this can save her but the ones who would never hurt her can't do a damn thing. You're coward but Usagi needs you. If you leave she...she's," Makoto was choking up but before she could finish, a small voice emerged from 315.

"Mako-chan? Who's there?" Chibiusa. Mamoru had completely forgotten.

"Nobody sweety, I'm just taking out the trash. Stay in there."

"Okay," Mamoru heard her tiny feet patter away, as Mako relinquished her grip on his collar. Still in shock at her outburst, Mamoru took a moment to recover but by the time he had, Mako already shut the door to Usagi's room. He wouldn't be visiting today.

* * *

><p>"Mako-chan, who was that?"<p>

"Nobody, Chibiusa."

"It sounded like Mamo-chan," Chibiusa's face lit up. "Has he come back to save Usagi! Is she going to wake up soon? Mako-chan what's wrong?" Makoto gathered the little girl into her arms and cried.

"I don't know Chibiusa, I just don't know." There was no way he would come back now. Not after what she had said. Chibiusa wasn't sure what to do so she just let her friend hold her and stared down at the bed. Usagi's chest lifted up and down gently with the aid of the breathing apparatus, the heart monitor next to her bed beeping steadily. If it weren't for all the drips and equipment, she may really have just been asleep, slacking off as usual and not fighting for her life. Chibiusa reached down to grab a tuft of Usagi's hair. It was lank and greasy, not smooth and fluffy like it used to be. It used to smell like roses and shine gold in the afternoon sun, now it was almost green and smelled of disinfectant. Chibiusa noticed some new bruises on Usagi's arms and a small cut dribbled blood down her cheek. At least they weren't gashes like before. Chibiusa remembered the first time she had witnessed the effect of Usagi's "dreams". She had been talking with Rei and Mina when the heart monitor had started to beep furiously. Usagi's arm had split open and was spilling blood, some even trickled out of her mouth. She had screamed then and Rei and Mina had had to take her home because she wouldn't calm down. Just the thought of all that blood made Chibiusa shake in fear and confusion. She dropped Usagi's hair and buried her head in the still crying Mako's shoulder, feeling her own eyes well up. When would this nightmare be over?

"Mama.."

* * *

><p><em>"Argh."<em>

_Sailor Moon yanked her scepter from the skull of a particularly stubborn youma as it began to crumble. She twisted it in her hands, absently realizing it was breaking in several places. How much longer could she do this? She gave her head a small shake but the image of Endymion- no, Mamoru- wouldn't disappear. The light that had surrounded him still blinded her. He wasn't the Mamoru she had watched die countless times. He was _real_. He had been there. Sailor Moon slumped to her knees and screamed, beating the ground until her arms were bruised and her fists bled. He has been real. Real. Real. He had seen her kill. Kill. That look of horror marring his beautiful eyes as they gazed at her. What must he think of her now? She laughed through her despair at that thought. How pathetic. How utterly unimportant and juvenile. Here she was, stronger than ever and she only had Mamoru to thank for locking her away in this hell. Ironically the heart he had broken when he left, was clinging to the hope of his return, keeping her restless soul earthbound and trapped in this purgatory until he let her go. While part of her wished desperately to pass on and join the endless cycle of death and rebirth, a greater part longed to see her friends, her family and her love. So she would fight on. Sailor Moon picked herself up and stood ready as three youma's materialized around her._

_"Game on, Mamo-chan."_


End file.
